Responsible

'Responsible.'

Adjective.

Answerable or accountable, as for something within one's power or control.

Involving accountability.

Being the cause of something.

In some contexts, to be 'responsible' means precisely what the word implies: to be capable of giving a response.

At any given point, I may or may not be responsible for this season of my life.

The cause? No, I'm not the cause. And the cause is baffling. Nobody is responsible for this. And it is beyond me why God thought it was a good idea.

In control of? Ha. No.

Accountable for? Absolutely. And more than ever, I am thankful for grace - grace that forgives and heals.

Capable of giving a response?

Depends on the day.

Sometimes all of this madness leaves me wordless. Incapable of responding.

Other times, I must respond in order to sort any of it out, in order to put one foot in front of the other.

Perhaps this blog is my response.

Even if I am responsible to this season of my life, I sometimes find it inexplicably difficult to respond in this season of my life.

Or perhaps silence is a response in itself.

A response is a choice; each choice is a response, even if nobody can hear it.

Joy and happiness are different; their responses do not look the same.
I used to be happier. But perhaps now I know joy.

Joy is the voice that gives me a response. Even when I have nothing to say.

Even when happiness hides.