I took off my wedding ring.
I felt like the time had come. It felt like something that no longer encouraged me; it felt like a memory. It felt like the last thread of something I was holding on to, carrying it just for the sake of carrying it.
It felt like a lie. It felt like pretending, like I was playing a role.
I took it off, polished it, and put it away.
Then I got it back out.
Then I put it away.
And I got it back out again.
I haven't been without it for 12 years. There is an indentation on the ring finger of my left hand. Common health lore says the cells of the human body are completely regenerated every seven years. If this is so, then this ring has been on my finger longer than the finger has been on my hand. The flesh has given way in the last many years, sure this fixture was here to stay. I wonder how long the line will remain, like a reserved seat.
It's a trio of gifts tied into one:
the day he asked me to marry him,
the day we said 'I do,'
the decade's anniversary of thousands of every days.
And it's just so beautiful, especially after the gentle polishing.
It's one of the most beautiful gifts Robb ever gave me. It is the token of our vows, the memory of our marriage. But on a new finger, it no longer means I am married.
I decided to put it back on: on my right hand, this time. It looks lovely there.
Perhaps I'll put a different ring on my left hand. Maybe I'll buy myself a new one. For now, it feels best to let it breathe for a while. It's another absence to accept.
7 comments:
You're a little ahead of me on this one, Tricia, and I commend you. I've been debating the if/when do I take off my wedding ring for a while. I finally decided it was going to be when, not if. I had thought I'd take it off altogether, because if he can't wear his anymore, I won't wear mine either. I thought, "I don't want mine to show a lot more wear than his does. We wore these rings (matching bands) together, as a married couple", and it's been a year now since he's been gone. Then, not sure if I could bear not wearing it at all, I thought that maybe I'd just switch it to my right hand for awhile, but I'm still not sure about that. So for now, no matter which way I decide, the main question has become, "When?" Do I "Just Do It", as the Nike ads would say, or do I wait for some day which has significance in our relationship, such as the date I met him, or the date of our first date, or New Year's Day? (All of those dates are coming up in the next three months.) The mental debate continues. Perhaps I'll do as you did, and just give it a try - take it off for awhile, or put it on the other hand. A trial run, just to see how it feels, just to see if I'm ready. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not. Maybe my heart will let me know the right day. I hope so, because my brain isn't being very helpful.
You continue to stay in my thoughts and prayers. This was hard to read, but good, too. Seeing His faithfulness. But seeing the hard too. Just know that you're prayed over and thought about so very often.
I remember you telling me that you wrote for you and so you would write the truth. I love the truth of this particular post; the way it reveals an apparent indecision. The putting the ring away, the taking the ring back out is what is real. It is your "is". The "should I" or "shoudn't I" is a place of trust; knowing that whatever the answer will be, you are enveloped by our God who is ok with the answer you come to and more than ok with you and who you are.
praying for you right now.
I didn't know how else to get this message to you, so I understand if you don't approve it for comments, however, I wanted to let you know I have listed your blog on my blog's page in my Blogroll. I hope this is okay with you. I love your posts SO MUCH and I want other people to be able to access them through my page. If this is not okay with you, please let me know and I will remove it. Thank you for sharing your life with us!
I love this! Don't take it off till you're ready. I tried to take mine off too soon. Then I started wearing it again. I think that's something that you should know: There are no rules for this. It's not the kind of thing that once you take it off you can never put it back on. I wore mine on my right hand for several months, and then when it got hot this summer couldn't get it off at night (I always took it off at night, even when Sawan was alive) so I stopped wearing it altogether by necessity. But I still give myself the freedom to put it back on if I want. And, I have widow friends who are remarried that still wear their first husband's ring on their right hand, so THERE ARE NO RULES. Wear it as long as you want, my friend, and don't hurry.
I have talked about this post at least 4 times since I read it.
You are brave and honest and I can't imagine what this feels like, except that you make it so real to me when I read it. What a gift you have.
Praying for you daily!
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