Monday, October 10, 2011

More Than A Dress

I remember the day I stopped caring about my wedding dress.

I bought it a year before we were married (and no, I do not encourage long engagements), and I loved it as much as a person can love an inanimate thing.  Perhaps more than a person should.

The bridal boutique held it in storage for me, and I visited the dress every few weeks.  In fact, the store eventually told me I needed to stop putting it on or it would need to be cleaned before its actual debut at the wedding.  I was a little over the top in my affections.

I remember thinking, "I can't wait until it's mine, in my hands, in my house.  I'll wear it whenever I want to, because it will be mine, all mine."  Somehow I pictured myself, the married bride, traipsing around the house and playing dress-up in this giant ball gown.  Even now, that sentence seems ridiculous to say.

Probably about 7 minutes after we were back from our honeymoon, I realized - with shocking surprise - that I really didn't care about that beloved wedding dress anymore.  Not really at all.

We were married, the day had been perfect, and we had the 'rest of our lives' to look forward to.  I suddenly realized that there was so much more to be happy about than a silly dress.  The story was about so much more than a damn dress.

I feel this way now about my wedding rings.  I loved them, I still love them, and now I don't need to wear them.   There is so much more to our story than the rings.

I love him, I miss him, I love him, I miss him.  I can't possibly say those words enough to convey the depth of their anchor in my heart.

If I can't have him, if I can't wear the rings on the fourth finger of my left hand, then what can I do with this next chapter? 

If I must let go of that dream, that plan, that life, then what may I embrace?

If I must realize that my life as I knew it is over,
that Robb is better than okay where he is,
that he may or may not know what I'm doing
on a daily basis,
that my decisions are of zero consequence to him now,
that the first chapter has been written,
that it's time for Act II,

then I think it's time to start living again. 


Patty Kline said...

Oh Tricia, I love you. You so often take my own jumbled, not-completely-formed-or-fleshed-out thoughts, and put them into something that makes sense, something I identify with and can say of, "Yes! That's what I think/believe/feel!" Thank you.

Erin Hannah said...

well done, friend.

Jaimie said...

This is beautiful. I love the connection you tied between the rings and the dress.

This reminds me of Mary Oliver's poem When Death Comes.

"When it's over, I want to say all my life I was a bride married to amazement."

Publisher said...

Living again is a "do" thing... Don't over think that. :) (I think I just got caught reading ahead a bit, because I read the next article before commenting on this one. Love your blogs, Tricia.)

Terry said...

oh tricia..what an honest and gentle soul you are...i think it is your choice to wear your rings or not.
as far as your pretty wedding dress, it served a very important part on your wedding day...robb's dream come true as he gazed at you as you gently came down the isle on your father's arm... a dream coming true...
we sing a hymn at church sometimes and even sometimes at a chorus is this...and it is so like what you have written here.

3. O Christ, He is the fountain,
The deep, sweet well of love!
The streams on earth I’ve tasted
More deep I’ll drink above:
There to an ocean fullness
His mercy doth expand,
And glory, glory dwelleth
In Emmanuel’s land.

4. The bride eyes not her garment,
But her dear Bridegroom’s face;
I will not gaze at glory
But on my King of grace.
Not at the crown He giveth
But on His pierced hand;
The Lamb is all the glory
Of Emmanuel’s land.

5. O I am my Beloved’s
And my Beloved is mine!
He brings a poor vile sinner
Into His house of wine
I stand upon His merit -
I know no other stand,
Not e’en where glory dwelleth
In Emmanuel’s land.

so very beautiful and so like what you said about your were not looking at it but you were looking at robb....god's blessing to you dear tricia as you start living again in act terry