Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Wall of Blue

In the hour of Robb's greatest need, our bedroom was filled with at least eight men. Police, firemen, paramedics. Heroes.

They escorted me from the room, and they went to every length to try to rescue my husband.

One of them came downstairs, amidst the frantic efforts. "Excuse me, ma'am, but I believe there may be a child awake upstairs."

Oh, God. It's Tyler.

I jumped from my chair. "My son - I'll get him."

With great authority, he pointed one finger at me. A forceful, "No. No, ma'am. Not you."

With my hand to my heart, I lowered myself back into the wooden, kitchen chair.

My mom said, "Let me. Someone must get that baby." I couldn't let him wander out into the hallway, awakened by foreign sounds, to find his daddy... to find his daddy.

"Yes, ma'am. You may go."

She quickly climbed the stairs to the bedrooms, and she tells me that if she had wanted to (which she did not), she could not have captured even a glimpse of the frenzy happening in my bedroom. Several men stood in the doorway, shoulder to shoulder, an impenetrable wall of blue. She retrieved a frightened Tyler, she carried him straight to me, and she never saw a second of the medical intervention. They simply would not let her.

As fervently as I prayed for Robb's life, I also prayed for Tucker to stay asleep. I knew I would have enough of a journey to help the boys through this loss that was not yet confirmed; I could not fathom the damage of any memories they would carry of the scene.

By God's grace, he stayed asleep. Until all was said and done, he slept soundly. But then we needed to wake him, to quickly send him home with a friend. I needed to grieve my husband. I needed to be fully wife, and as long as my children were in the house, I could only think as their mother.

Together, my parents went upstairs to wake Tuck and bring him down. And once again, they found the impenetrable wall of blue. There were no cracks in this fortress of men; they would not be moved.

Much later, after the coroner had arrived and confirmed the end of my husband's life, it was time to carry him from our home.

This time, the men stood between my kitchen and my living room, forming yet again that wall of blue. Shoulder to shoulder. Carrying a man's body from his home must be neither easy nor smooth, and they would allow no memory into my mind. With the same fierce authority as if someone were threatening us with a gun, these men stood their ground. There are some things a girl simply should never, ever see.

They protected my heart.

And as they left my home, each one of them came to me. Each one shook my hand, looked deeply and sincerely into my eyes, and tearfully said, "God bless you, ma'am. We did all we could do. I promise you, we did all we could do."

With their hands and their hearts, they did all they could do.

I wish I could remember their faces. They are my heroes.

23 comments:

Manda said...

Oh Tricia. As painful as this is to read....it must put out there. You are absolutely right, they are heroes. God bless every one of those men. Those amazing men.

my3boys said...

I've said it again and again. You are amazing. I believe God has given you this gift of written (and spoken!) words to touch the hearts of many and to help you heal your own. You go, girl!

Jessica said...

tricia, this is so very touching. your writing is so vivid if i close my eyes i can almost imagine their protection of you. angels (in blue) unaware...what a difficult job they have and what a beautiful way you describe them in your time of great need. still praying...

lani said...

Thank you once again Tricia for your words, your commitment to our Lord. For sharing the gift of written words with all of us. They are making a lasting impression on me and my family. God bless you...and all the hero's in blue.

Danielle & Samantha said...

We do not know eachother but I'm lifting you up in prayer as often as God prompts me. I have a few loved ones going through the loss of a spouse or child right now and I am sharing your blog with them. I feel your strong faith, your incredible writing, and your openness are a real gift to others.

Mrs. MK said...

As I have thought of you and your boys over and over the past few days, I wondered about them awakening during that night. I am so thankful that you were all protected by those wonderful men.

Thank you for writing this. I am forwarding it to a young man I know who wants to be a fireman. I can just see him as one of these heroes.

Mrs. Sutterer said...

We are fellow South family members, but don't really know each other. I can't tell you how much I have been touched by your story, and how much I have interceded for you and your boys. Your writing is powerful...annointed. I especially love this line - "they would allow no memory into my mind"...it made me cry. Just thought I'd let you know

Hillbilly Handiworks said...

I had been wondering how it went with your boys that night. What a blessing that you and your boys were protected. I am married to a police officer. Some days are hard days. He would have cried that night as well.

Terry said...

what kindbess your heros had that night trisia, even as your mother had...it was all planned ahead by god that you would be protected and oh what a mothers heart you have.
i honour and respect you greatly...love from terry

"Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come."

April said...

I can only imagine your pain. I think it is a wonderful thing that they did for you. I can imagine that wall of blue in each scene you described and thank God for those men who protected your heart and your mind in that time. God bless them.

The Kennedy Krew said...

Oh precious Tricia - I pray blessing for those wonderful men. ...and I'm still praying for you...always!

thewonderfulhappens said...

What a beautiful tribute to these men, who acted as your protectors that night. You should print this out and send it to your local fire station and hospital. I am sure that this was a call they will never forget.

Maria Stahl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maria Stahl said...

Praise God for them. It's not easy to be thinking of the family in the midst of the crisis. EMS people tend to get tunnel vision, concentrating only on the case and forgetting those around. It's something they have to work at, being sensitive to the family members and others affected. Praise the Lord these men were so caring.

My husband is on our local volunteer fire and rescue team and I am proud of him.

Lisa said...

Tricia, thank you for sharing your experiences as painful as they are. Your gift of writing and fierce strength you have given me (and I'm sure many) greater perspective and inspiration. You will continue to be in my prayers.

Wired Whimsy said...

Tricia, I only found your blog yesterday and already I love you and your sons with my whole heart. I prayed fervently for you last night as I lay in bed. Again at 3am after my daughter woke me up because she'd had a nightmare. I desperately wish there was something tangible I could do for you during this time; make you a meal of your favorite comfort foods, clean your house, or just give you a hug. I can't really do any of those things from California, but I will pray for you as long as I have breath. I pray God lifts you up just a little bit more today. Praying the blessing of His peace and comfort for you, Tuck, and Ty.

darcie said...

my heart breaks for you and for your sweet sweet boys.
may He grant you the peace you need to move forward in the days ahead.
xoxo

Kristy & Makenna said...

Tricia, We dont know eachother but I know your dad. You are an amazing woman -- mother and wife. God has blessed you with the gift of words and for that I am greatful. I can only imagine how painful it is to write your thought and feelings but also how healing this must be for you as well. I cried when I read your latest post. You are right, the wall of blue protected your heart. These men are amazing. I feel your incredible faith and strength every day and I continue to pray for you, for Ty, and for Tuck everyday.

Amy said...

You have stayed in my thoughts and prayers since I have first read of your story. This is a beautiful testament of the men who have this job, yet treated you like family. I am so thankful for them and for their sensitivity.

Sarah said...

Oh Tricia, I am so sorry. I've just read every bit of your story and my heart is breaking for you. Know that a stranger in North Carolina is praying for you tonight.

Jennifer said...

Praying for you tonight. Tears are in my eyes reading this post and thinking about what you have been through. I am so sorry for your pain.

EileenRae said...

Tricia, your writing is like your smile, no matter the content it warms you inside--smooth visual poetry. It draws you in, engages the listener as if you are speaking directly to them, and warms them. These should be woven together like a quilt, and published into a book when you are ready. Each entry is like a hand crafted panel, and when you are done you can cover the reader with the warmth of your faith, and the love you surround yourself with everyday.

melanie said...

As I read this tonight, my heart ached for you. The shear horror that you went through. As a fellow wife of blue, one thing I know is what I've sadly witnessed as a fellow officer lossed his life and the wall of blue that could be seen for miles as a wife, a friend, a mother, was told of the loss, helped protect the children and drove her to see him one last time. These brothers in blue are without a doubt our heroes. One thing I was told as my husband graduated was. A police officers wife hat is not a hat to wear lightly. That God chose certain men to protect and serve. He chose a strong woman to stand behind him. God bless you fellow sister in blue.