It's easier to think about the magnitude of how sad this is, than to go anywhere near the actual sadness of this.
I find myself comforting others.
"I'm sorry you lost a buddy."
"I'm sorry you lost a friend."
"I'm sorry you lost your brother."
"I'm sorry you lost your son."
I say these things, and they look a me with an odd expression, as if I am so selfless to look at the loss of others. But the truth is, it's easier to think about their sadness.
Because if I go anywhere near the cliff of this gaping hole in my life, I truly cannot breathe. I don't even know how to feel the depth of it, how to begin to measure its impact.
So it's easier to think about what he meant to other people, about the loss he left behind in their lives.
I will learn to live without him. What I fear most is the moment I will truly realize that I must.