Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Heart of Depression

I know firsthand how it feels to be Tricia - not because of losing my husband, but because of not being able to carry on with my life.

I remember how it felt not to be able to stay out of bed, how it took every ounce of energy to get myself dressed, the sadness that enveloped my very being, and how afraid I was to go anywhere by myself.

I feel such compassion for where she is right now. I know that it will all come together, but as each day goes by, she feels no improvement in her being.

At the end of a month, my husband would point out to me how much longer I had stayed out of bed, how many more times I'd gotten dressed. But I didn't see it. Another month would go by, and he'd point out again how much better I was doing, but I didn't see it.

But gradually, I began to see it myself. I could feel myself becoming my person again.

It's such a struggle, this emotional stuff, but really, it takes no longer than a broken bone. People see your cast and realize you can't walk, and they allow for that as long as you have that cast, or lean on those crutches, or walk with a limp.

No one can see emotional pain, so when you laugh, they think everything is better, everything has returned to normal for you.

Tricia has that cast on right now, and she is healing very slowly - so slowly that nobody, not even she, can see or feel it.

Give her a few months.

She'll have the cast off and will be walking with crutches, still reeling from this loss, but able to move along a bit. A few more months, and she'll be walking with a limp, and it will finally heal.

But the X-rays will always show that broken bone.

~ a friend


Jon Jameson said...

I'm someone who, at times, lives life in the "Jaws of the Black Dogs." Your friend paints a kind picture of the painful reality - the difference between what you may feel and what others see.

I'm so grateful for the love you have around you.

April said...

I have not experienced the loss that you have, but I have lived life in loss and in depression. I am praying for you as you go through this. Take your time and in God's time you will begin your life again. Until then, you are covered in prayer and loved. I pray today that God sends you a memory that makes you smile!

Cuppa Jo said...

Tricia, my husband has struggled on and off with depression and I've often read your blog and thought, "many really do NOT know" how debilitating your situation is - quite similar to what the writer described.

Praying for you.

Terry said...

so sad and so good that the lord knows and understands..i don't even know terry

eamaines said...

Tricia, I have not lived the type of loss you have but your friend's analogy is very well written.