Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Hopelessness

There is a certain hopelessness to this. A hopelessness that is certain.

Don't get me wrong. There is not a hopelessness to my life; there is no hopelessness to my husband and my joy in knowing where he walks, talks, breathes, and lives. Where I will one day live with him.

But there is a hopelessness to the finality of my days here with him.

I wake in the morning, and there is a sweet second or two when I have forgotten. But it is always short lived, followed quickly by the nauseating rush of reality that leaves me quaking in my bed. Every single morning.

I didn't get to see him today. I don't get to see him tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next. Or the next.

I don't get to see him. That's a whole lot of not seeing the man I planned to do my life with. The man who listened well and cared much, served well and loved hard.

I do not grieve as those who have no hope, but still I grieve.

I do not get him back. And that brings a certain hopelessness.

My heart hurts.

19 comments:

The Kennedy Krew said...

Oh sweet friend...I have prayed for you hurting heart everyday and I will continue to do so!!!

Meg said...

My heart hurts and grieves for you, Tricia. Praying continually.

Kathleen said...

I'm crying with you. Tricia, it is amazing to watch you. You are grieving with such truth. Not just the amazing honesty and clarity with which you share your feelings, but how even your emotions are grounded in God who is truth.

Amy said...

You stay in my prayers.

Terry said...

praying...with love terry

Gayelee said...

I dont know you AT all... but someone sent me your blog.
To be a stranger and pray for a stranger in the darkest of hours... is the beauty of a God who puts us together and helps us "make it through" just one more day...
to lift up one another, so that one more breath would be breathed, is the tenderness of prayer. Praying for you.

Laura said...

Tricia, I found your blog by following a link on your brother's facebook page. I hope you don't mind. I am Kate's sister.

You are such a strong woman and a bold writer. I admire your strength and willingness to tell your story.

My Mom and I are praying for you.

Thank you for sharing what is closest to your heart.

Selah said...

When you remember him.. he is there with you. I am praying for you.

Mrs. MK said...

The time that stretches between now and then, that final THEN, when all is made new and tears are gone, is what we mourn. The missing.

Praying and listening....

Deanna said...

I appreciate how you find meaning in what most of us would minimize as mundane. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us.

boo4baby said...

Praying......it's feel so helpless, but yet it is all I know to do and I know it is powerful.

Mandy said...

There's a song by Hillary Weeks, "Just Let Me Cry", the lyrics of which you and I can both relate to. The hope for and faith in tomorrow doesn't take away the pain of today. I am so, so sorry!

Emily said...

Haven't stopped praying for you and your boys. Hang in there.

Michelle said...

My mouth is empty for words right now. I admire your strength and thank you so much for sharing with us. This is how we know what to pray for you. You and your whole family are in my prayers Love and prayers Michelle

Psalm 23

Kay Day said...

There is something frightening about finality.
I pray for your mornings--for that first remembering each morning.
I pray for all the different moments in the day that I imagine must be so difficult.
And the finality of it... I pray for you about that, too.

awill124 said...

You may not get him back here, but you will see him again. Grieve all you want. Grieve all you need. There are many who grieve with you.

Hillbilly Handiworks said...

Each day I read your posts; and like all others it touches my heart.

I pray for you; but today my comment is not about that.

Today, I looked up at your header and saw that photo of you with a huge smile on your face...and I really felt saddened for you...because I knew that was another time in another place.

You were so happy in that photo. Half of you is gone now. You force a smile for your boys. I don't know you; but I know this.

Just step one foot in front of the other. For now, that is all you can do.

Laura said...

Tricia,

I found your blog this morning via my dear friend Katy's blog, "Diary of a Zookeeper." Even though we are not acquainted I wanted you to know that my heart aches for you and you are lifted in prayer here in Colorado. My deepest and most heartfelt words are emptiness compared to God's and so I pray for you Isaiah 35:3-4, that God would, "Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear; your God will come...he will come to save you.”

Allison said...

I started reading about you through a friend. You don’t know me but I live in the area you grew up. I think and pray for you daily. You have changed how I think about my life and those around me completely. I needed you. I needed you to open my eyes and wake me up. I need to take in completely this life that god has given me. I need to notice and enjoy everything. It is short and soon we will meet our maker. But now I need to live and focus on take it all in. I thank you greatly with all my heart for sharing yourself and help me find myself.

Thank You!