Thursday, May 5, 2011

Flashbacks

I cannot get away from this pain. Even sleep brings no relief.

Last night, my mind was flooded with flashbacks. I had heard this would happen, that it is a tendency of post traumatic stress.

And sure enough: an angry, vengeful tendency it proves to be.

Every time I closed my eyes, my mind was overcome with scenes, sights, and sounds from the worst moments of my life.

I watched it again and again.

I watched his eyes roll back.

I watched his tongue grow thick.

I saw his color change.

I watched him die, again and again.

I begged him to stay.

I knelt over him, helpless to change what I knew was coming.

I felt all over again the fear that I felt in that sacred moment,
when I realized he was dying,
when I knew he was gone,
when I knew this was it.

Over and over and over and over.

My hands tremble, my heart aches, my skin crawls.

There is no relief.

12 comments:

Kris Anne said...

Praying for you. This happened to me quite often after watching my mom die. I'm so sorry, sister whom I have never met... yet who I feel led to pray for each day. God, please... please re-member her. Please.

Dayle said...

A heart is breaking here for you, and therefore I have you in prayer today that God will help you live one minute of peace at a time until you are awash in the feel of His love and grace. And if one minute at a time is too much, then I pray for one second at a time.
Dear Lord, Tricia needs you to carry her today even more so than before. Please hold her in your loving arms and overwhelm her with the peace of your love. Amen

Dayle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kristi said...

when sorrows like sea billows roll...sweet Jesus...lift her up

Pamela Nees said...

Sweet, sweet Jesus.

Underneath are the everlasting arms.

Joel and Ingrid said...

Praying sweet relief and peace overwhelms your tender heart.

Mrs. MK said...

I'm so sorry.

Leanna Mama said...

Praying for you!

gathancr said...

Trisha, you don't know me but I've been following your blog for a while now. There are no words for what you are going through, but these verses came to mind when I read your post...."For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Terry said...

dearest tricia...my heart aches for you.... dear lord please let her feel your presence.

JESSICA RENSHAW said...

In the name of Jesus Christ and by His authority, we command all lying and tormenting spirits to leave Tricia and go to the feet of Jesus. We forbid you to return or to send any replacements. Heavenly father, put a shield around her mind and block the enemy from having access to it with words, thoughts, or pictures. Amen.

Emily Kaye said...

With no words, I pray for you, knowing that God hears our deepest cries when words will not suffice.