Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Already and the Not Yet

It is Easter. He is risen; He is risen indeed.

It's true. I believe it is true.

I choose to believe it is true.

But today was hard; I have felt torn between the already and the not yet.

He is risen, but I am not yet with him.

My husband is there, but I cannot yet go.

I believe, and yet my faith has no sight.

The battle is won, the victory is mine, but I assure you: I am at war.

Where O death is thy sting? Where is thy victory? Oh, I feel your bitter sting, your intrusion upon my life. It sure feels like you're winning, or at least you gloat like you are.

Celebration happened all around me, and yet I really just longed to be where the real celebration happened today.

My mind knows how to celebrate, but my heart could not partake.

Perhaps this is the Easter when it all should mean so much more to me, when it should all make so much more sense.

Instead, I felt numb. Broken. Torn.

Torn between the already and the not yet.

2 comments:

Noel said...

This so resonates. I long to be where the real celebration is. Victory is won and yet I still feel like "what's the point?" I just long to be there. Maybe someday we'll get it. At least for now, we grieve with hope. Hang in there, sweetie.

JESSICA RENSHAW said...

I was sensing yesterday that it was a hard day for you. Grieving is ebb and flow. It will get better (over all) and it will get worse (on rarer and rarer occasions). And when you see Him (and him) it will be worth it all. Promise.

In yesterday's service a church member I didn't know read a powerful essay he had written about the resurrection. I asked him for a copy to post on my blog; he asked for the site, read my Blog List and saw I follow Teaching Tuck and Ty. His name is Jeremy Bear, who turns out to be a good friend of yours! (See, God is still weaving sweet connections to keep you on our hearts.)

Jeremy's essay, Hour 36, is posted (with his permission) on my blog today.

Sending mom/grandma hugs to you and your boys.