Tuesday, July 5, 2011

He Never Looked Back

I had a dream about Robb.

Previously, he has always been dressed the same. This time, he was dressed to the nines. And he was young, happy, strong, happy, vibrant, and happy.

He didn't stop smiling.

He was dancing in the street with many other people, all dressed to his calibre.

I didn't get to dance with him. I didn't join the party.

I had to stay home to protect our house (which was familiar to me in the dream and yet not where we have ever lived) and the children.

And he came and went, busily and happily, seemingly in a parade with his fellow dancing enthusiasts. There were many of them.

There were classy white lights, music, floats, and dancing, dancing, dancing.

And I had to stay home.

And in all his comings and goings, he never looked my way. He never looked at me. He never made eye contact. He never looked back.

I woke up furious.

"You didn't even look at me. Nothing. Nothing? You couldn't even look my way. I'm your wife. Look at me. Always look at me."

I spent the day so mad at him.

Perhaps if a dream analyst took a close look at my night's wanderings, he might reveal some symbolism. And I guess it doesn't take much of a dream genius to draw some parallels of my own.

He's with a whole crew of people, and they're dancing, dancing, dancing, dressed in their finest garb of celebration. White lights, music, abundant happiness... it's easy to imagine this in his new daily life.

As much as I can remotely imagine his new daily life.

And I am left behind.

In each of my dreams of him, I am held captive somewhere while I watch him come and go. It makes sense; here I am, held captive in the place he's left behind.

But he didn't even look at me this time. Not a single glance my way. So caught up in his dance party.

He knows what I don't know now. He's happy where he is. Perhaps he understands the fullness of life and identity without the need to glance my way.

Perhaps he doesn't need to look back.

But I still wish he had.


Jennifer Jenison said...

Tricia, I don't think I have ever posted a comment to your blog before but I wanted to this time. I was just explaining to my therapist a few sessions ago about something very similar to your thoughts/feelings in this post. I recently read the book '90 Minutes in Heaven' by Don Piper and I walked away from this book feeling a bit uneasy. In the first 3 chapters of the book he describes his visit to Heaven and the thoughts/feelings he had after he was brought back to life. After he described the wonderful visit he had with people from his past coming up to him greeting him, praising God, hearing wonderful music, seeing the glorious vivid coloring, dancing, etc. he described himself realizing that while in Heaven he "had no regard as to who he left behind from his life on earth...." It bothered me reading and hearing about this. Does that mean my Mother doesn't remember me? Doesn't she miss me? Especially as much as I missed her? I know in my mind she is in much better hands. She's happy, healthy again, young once again, dancing, reunited, etc. But my heart aches for her. Does she know that? I pray she would visit me in my dreams but almost every morning I am saddened waking up realizing she wasn't in my dreams. So I sorta know the thoughts and feelings that you posted here in the blog. Thank you for reading this.

Mrs. MK said...

oh, this hurts. I'm sorry!

Maryellen said...

Tricia, I dread the nights because the rejection is so real in my dreams. I am looking for him, trying to show him something, trying to ask him something,suggesting we make love under the stars and in every instance he is benign. He does not, will not, respond. The absence is so much greater then. The abandonment so complete. I wonder where God is in all of this. Why was I left? I have no children who need a mommy any more. Who am I? Why am I hear? If God is trying to give me a new hope and a future then what is standing in the way? Grief. Grief is standing in the way and my patience to ride out this storm is very short and yes, today I am mad at God. Where were you? You could have fixed this and you stood quietly at the end of the bed and you were silent. Why!!?
This is a tough roller coaster ride. Thankful I have 2 little grand-babies to rock and have a reason to press on. Keep writing girl. I hang on your every word.

Maryellen said...

Tricia, How do you get so many photos on your blog front page? I have tried loading more than one and am not having any luck. Did you make the collage as one photo and then download it or did you add separate photos? Right now trying to learn anything technical is super hard for me. Any advice you can give would be great.

Terry said...

too sad trisha...this post leaves me speechless..i wish he had too...maybe next time, eh?...maybe next time the lord will have come to take us all home!...to the house....love terry