Thursday, February 3, 2011

Wonderings

I wonder why I still sleep on my side of the bed, when I could spread out and sleep sideways if I wish.

I wonder why I have no problem sorting through the things he no longer needed, used, or wanted. But I can't seem to take his clothes from my closet. His dresser is still stocked. The things he used.

I wonder what I will do with the pictures of me on his dresser, of the 19-year-old, curly, college girl he fell in love with. There they sit.

I wonder why quiet snowfall make my eyes well with tears.

I wonder what my children will remember. About this, us, me, him.

I wonder how long they will want to snuggle with me on Saturday mornings. How long Tucker will continue to say, "Mommy, not yet. Please don't get up yet."

I wonder if Tyler will grow into the next size of clothes with a whole closet of items he refused to wear even once.

I wonder how to live in this moment. I wonder how one truly does that.

8 comments:

Jon Jameson said...

I figure you wonder because everything is "us," "ours," or "his." This seems proper to me. Beautiful, in fact. I figure a day will come when the bed will simply be yours, no longer "ours;" the dresser will become yours, no longer "his." A functional redefining. But, perhaps his sweatshirt - always his - will simply be on perpetual loan.

Mrs. MK said...

I have wondered some of these things as I pray for you. Especially how much will your boys remember.

Praying still.

thewonderfulhappens said...

I have wondered too, about his clothes, his items, the things that you see everyday. I wonder and I pray.

~~Liz~~ said...

I love your wonderings....the painful ones....the curious ones...the comforting ones....all of them.

Liz

DenverSop said...

Well said, both Jon and Liz. I have been wondering these things, too, Tricia. In time, God may share his perfect answers. Until then, we continue to pray lovingly for you with heavy hearts throughout every day.

my3boys said...

I've been praying that the boys have a real memory of Robb. Pictures and stories are important for them to hold onto, and I know they will. But my prayer is for God to give them a real memory to treasure forever.

JESSICA RENSHAW said...

You're doing it, babe.

Terry said...

i am glad that you and the boys are talking a lot about robb...they will never forget him..
i like liz'a comment and i agree with jessica that "you're doing it!"..........love terry

ps..you are STILL a curly haired little beauty!.......