Thursday, August 18, 2011

Ache

It's sobering to love so much. Sometimes it's suffocating.

After baths and stories, jammies and lullabies, I visit my children after they have fallen asleep - their most angelic hour.

And sometimes I literally feel an ache of loving so much. When the details of the day are complete, when the spinning slows and the resting begins, sometimes that's the feeling that comes in its place. An ache of love.

I reach out so carefully, gently touch his hair or stroke his cheek, my touch as soft as a whisper.

And it suddenly occurs to me.

Robb doesn't get to touch them.

And as much as I rejoice for him, with varying degrees of envy (depending on the honesty of the day), that truth makes me feel sad for him.

I just have a hard time thinking he wouldn't miss that, even if everything else is perfect and whole and his.

5 comments:

Jaimie said...

Maybe heaven is outside of time, and you and the kids are already there with him. Maybe the Bible implies this when it says the dead "sleep." There is no passage of time for them until all is made right.

Andrea said...

I know my view is different, but I feel the exact same way when I look at my daughter...knowing my dad is perfect and whole- happier than he has ever probably been, yet I still can't help but think he is missing something so beautiful. He won't ever got to hold my baby girl, or be there for my brother's weddings...something I know on this earth, would break his heart...yet, hearts don't break in heaven. It's a weird thing. You are an amazing writer, and I so treasure your honesty!

Smilen Champ said...

Hi
My name is Jenna and i came across your site. I am sad to hear you lost your husband. he is with you and the kids in your hearts and in your memories. My dad has survied cancer three times, and now has congestive heart failure. I would be very sad if he lost his battle and if I lost him. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I was born with a rare life threatening disease, and love it when people sign my guestbook. www.miraclechamp.webs.com

Leash said...

Rob can touch their hearts and yours through these moments.

Leanna Mama said...

WOW!!!