My anger has popped the lid off my conscience.
I am like a child who has been forbidden candy all her life, and suddenly she's at a candy store potluck. She can have as much as she wants, and nobody would really blame her.
And she would feel miserable and sick afterward.
"I don't want to color inside the lines anymore."
"Okay. So, don't. Color outside the lines, Tricia. Go all over the page. But don't fall off the page."
"Sure. We'll take you out. We'll keep you safe. You do whatever you want. We'll bring you home. There will be consequences and headaches you'll probably have to deal with, but if this is the therapy you need, we'll help you get there."
"I'm concerned that the decisions you make could haunt you more than the anger you feel. Let's keep your children in mind, Tricia. You've laid a good foundation. Please don't abandon that. They'll be angry someday too. Don't model the free fall off the deep end."
"Anger like this is common. You're right on track. In fact, it took you a little longer than I expected."
"What kind of woman are you? A real one."
"Put yourself in situations with boundaries. Dance. Go dance. Punch something. Paint."
"If I paint, it will be all black. An all black painting."
"Great. Make a black painting. And hang it in your home."
"You could. There are plenty out there who would take you up on the offer. Just not yet, okay? Just not today. Just don't decide this today."
"Anger has popped the lid off your conscience. It's not gone forever, and we'll still find it. It's just floating around instead of securely attached. And that's healthy and okay."
"Perhaps you should run. Run mad."
"I'll train for a 5K with you. Want to?"
"Yes, I think I want to."
Tricia, be honest, angry, frustrated, tired - be all these things; but please do not "free fall."
Cling to everything and everyone you must;
do not stop loving.
There is no rest in it.
"Therefore I urge you brothers,
in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices,
holy and pleasing to God -
this is your spiritual act of worship.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -
his good, pleasing, and perfect will."
Show me. Remind me.
Let me offer my body as a living sacrifice.
Holy and pleasing to you.
This is my spiritual act of worship.
This is why I hold on, stay the course.
If only just for today.
Renew my mind.
If only just for today.
Because I'm angry enough for today and tomorrow.
And probably the next day.