Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Prone to Wander

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.

So much of me is so tired, so fed up.
I have done the right things,
followed the rules,
stayed inside the lines,
pursued purity and upright standing,
integrity.

And what has this given to me?

No one is immune to heartache, loss, death.

I am in the deepest valley of my life,
so prone to wander,
so ready to run away.

If I hold onto my faith,
if I believe You are who You are,
if I claim the sovereign gift of grace,
then why shouldn't I do whatever I want?

Why not?

There seems little comfort in the way I have lived.
Why on earth shouldn't I seek comfort in anything else around me?
Shallow, fleeting, I don't even care.
I could easily follow anything.
And I don't even want anyone to stop me.
I'm feeling like I must be still,
or I will fall.
Hard and fast.

And I don't even care.
It would be great to know what the free fall feels like.

Screw it. All of it.

My heart feels hard and heavy.
It is too much to carry, for the rest of my days.
My pulse races, my blood boils.

Part of me says,
Don't give these questions to the world.
Honor God with what you write.
Keep the gray quiet, hidden safely away.
But part of me says,
I'm sure I'm not the only one,
asking, wondering, ready to flip and run.
Part of me says,
don't write it until you have it figured out.
Another part of me says,
I'll never have it figured out.
Part of me says,
Don't question God in public, don't make him look bad.
And part of me says,
Why not? David did.
And he was a man after God's own heart.
If God is, then he is bigger than me.
If he is bigger than me, then my questions and wanderings neither weaken nor surprise him.
Part of me says,
Trust in the sovereignty of God.
Promise everyone it will be okay, you will be okay.
But I'm not sure it will, I will, this will.

All of me says, if I'm going to tell this story,
I need to tell the truth.

Sovereignty doesn't mean happy ending.
Not on this side.

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it,
Seal it with Thy perfect love.

16 comments:

Stace said...

Thank you.

Those words are so little but it's all I can say.

Kelly Hickman said...

Keep sharing your honesty. You're right, it doesn't surprise God at all. I know your honesty will strike a chord with many others. As you know, being in relationship with God doesn't mean its always pretty. In fact, it is down right in the trenches at times. But He is there with you, even in the trenches, knowing your prain and loving you through it all.

SEF said...

As usual, beautifully said. Thank you for being so vulnerable and truthful. Praying for you.

Darlene Schacht said...

Janelle sent me over to visit your website. So glad that I did!

Sally said...

You are right. We are kidding ourselves and others if we pretend to never question God. God being God - he is not surprised by our doubt. There is a great deal to be said for honesty, and perhaps even more-so when we are honest with ourselves. God knows when we doubt anyways - so why not be honest out loud about it? Thanks for always sharing honestly from your heart.

Mrs. MK said...

I don't want to belittle your feelings or your pain, but validate them ..... I have had all of them!!

The good news is, three years later, God has healed my heart and soul in ways I would never have imagined. That is a miracle. That God can restore and remake something that was so utterly destroyed, so ugly, so completely useless is a miracle.

But when I was THERE, I thought it would never end. I cried out in anger to God, so frusterated that not only did I have to bear this loss, but then I had to deal with such a difficult season of grief and depression...which is like fighting death everyday.

May God give you a small glimpse of his faithfulness and goodness today....something extra to comfort you! My prayers are with you daily!

Andrea said...

PERFECTLY written...man, have I thought this myself at times! Keep writing, it helps the rest of us to stay real : ) God bless you today!

Leanna Mama said...

Thank you.

Emily Kaye said...

Such truth. I can't begin to tell you how that spoke to me. Thank you.

Kara said...

"Pour out your heart to Him..."
~Psalm 62

Heart breaking for you as I read through this post...
But you're so right.
About all of it.
And when the ache pierces deeply... I can pour out my heart to Him.

He is big enough, solid enough, real enough...to hold all the questions and pain and confusion.

Claire said...

Your words speak such truth--things many of us are afraid to say out loud. You've been walking so faithfully through the valley of the shadow of death. Rest is a part of the journey--so we can see how far we've come, so we can gain perspective. God did tell us to be still--in being still we know that He is God-- doing God's work in His people.

Be assured that being prone to wander is part of the journey; the power of God in us is that we don't.

tanyasz said...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

When Things Fall Apart, Tell God How You Feel
by Rick Warren

“I am a man who has seen affliction, by the rod of his wrath. He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light; he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long. He has made my skin grow old and broken my bones. He has surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like the dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains. Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer. He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked.” (Lamentations 3:1-10 NIV)

Jeremiah didn’t mince words. He told God exactly how he felt, and you know what? God is okay with that. He wants you to unload all your frustrations on him. Don’t unload them on your spouse, your kids, your boss or some online blog. Take it all to God, because he can handle it.

God can handle your anger, complaints and frustrations. He wants you to unload on him, because you need to get it all out. It’s cathartic. If you don’t, then here’s what will happen: As I like to say, “When I swallow my emotions and my anger, my stomach keeps score. When I swallow my fear and resentment, my back keeps score.” If you don’t talk things out, you’re going to take them out on your body.

So you need to get it out, and God can take whatever you’ve got. Go ahead, have a temper tantrum with him. God is your Heavenly Father and will still love you, just as a parent loves his or her child even when that child throws a fit.

You can’t see why God allows what he allows in your life, and God doesn’t owe you an explanation, because he’s God and you aren’t. But someday, and it might not be until you get to heaven, you’ll be able to look back and see the big plan. Until that day comes, keep taking your concerns to God.

mom to 5 said...

my heart is aching as i read your pain, for it is not only your pain but mine as well. do you ever get to the point that you can't even use words, pray prayers or even show anger? i'm there now... the only thing that is holding me up is HIS grace and yet- it feels so distant. i have given it to HIM, given up, fallen, knelt before HIM and still the fear cripples me. please just hear me and let me know YOU are there...

tanyasz said...

I just reread Rick Warren's devotional that I posted and realized that a part of it says
"Don’t unload them on...some online blog"
I should've deleted that part. The rest of his message is great, but I think it's very healing for you - and so many of your readers - to "unload them on some online blog"!

K.P. said...

Keep being honest, for it's in the honesty that healing can begin. It takes more effort than you have to "put a pretty face" on things. God is not shaken or surprised or displeased. When you hurt, He hurts! I do too. Love you!
KP

Dr Bill said...

What searing honesty with which you've written, thank you for not holding back. Some of your vivid musings remind me of a situation I was in, years ago, where I was dealing with grief -- a trivial one by comparison, to be sure -- but still raw, enveloping, and oppressive to me. And even though I knew what Galatians 6:7-10 was about, my steps wandered off God's path, 'cause, well, look where that had put me. So then, for awhile, doing what I pleased felt good. But soon thereafter, a harsher reality fell on my life: compounded along with my grief were the consequences of stupidity and sinful choices. How foolish I was to doubt the goodness of the Lord, or His lovingkindess shown through lessons I didn't really want to have to learn, nor was I walking in God's strength by faith. 20/20 hindsight! Prone to wander, indeed!

You are learning how power is perfected in weakness in a fearsome way. I pray -- and may others please join me in praying this for you -- what is stated in Galatians 6:9: "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."